Hiding in El Paso
It’s just after 7pm and I’ve been hiding in my El Paso rental for the better part of four hours. I came during a conference break to lay down and rest, and then found myself avoiding going back, as I was simply “peopled out.” After distracting myself with a movie, I figured it was time to do some processing of all the confusion that has been littering my brain for the past several days.
Interestingly, as I look back on the last time I wrote about my journey, I was waiting for the results of a PET scan. Wouldn’t you know it? The same holds true today. Only this time, it’s my 3rd scan. It’s been nearly two weeks and there are still no results. More on that in a minute.
I’m in Texas for three days, participating in the Christian Community Development Association’s Southwest Gathering, “Table in the Desert.” There are maybe 60 or so people here from Arizona, California, New Mexico and one participate from Buffalo, NY! It’s a beautiful group of people who do really hard work. They represent organizations and ministries that love people in unlovely situations.
Today I witnessed Boarder Patrol cutting down a make shift wire ladder on the Mexican side of the fence. I saw the disturbingly skeletal remains of Old Fort Bliss. I saw an open air church that meets under an Interstate overpass. I saw community centers and neighborhood development projects.
Through my eyes, El Paso seems to be harsh landscape. There are towering fences, wires, decaying architecture, barren mountains, and rocky earth. Yet, all those who I met who minister here, love it. I suppose it’s not all that different than me loving Albuquerque, despite all the problems we face.
I think these topics are what have my heart in a bind:
The critical need to love and serve in a hostile environment
Seeing a different picture of a situation that’s been heavily politicized and used for rhetoric
The call to get involved when there is no assurance that you will be able to make a difference
Wanting to succeed and grow, both personally and professionally, when the Jesus model is not to seek out recognition
A desire to trust in the waiting, but still having a nagging fear of bad news
When I sit down to write, I want to have some uplifting message or positive spin for the reader. However, I also want to be genuine. Today, I’m not feeling pithy or wise. The truth is, I am feeling a bit raw. As my nerve damaged scalp rests against the wall of this rented room, I long for everything to be right, both in my personal world, and the world around me. A good night of sleep may remedy my melancholy, but I recognize that the vast majority of problems that exist tonight, will still be there tomorrow.
So now what? Well, I’m back to one of my least favorite places—the waiting place. I can hear the voice of my perpetually optimistic husband saying, “Remember, God is good.” Yes, I do believe that to be true. I also know that He’s ok with me having to work all of this out in my heart and head.
I will wait for my scan results, and feel all the feelings that I need process. I will wait through the growing season, as He teaches me how to minister well, with both excellence and the right motivations. I will wait through the cycles of politicians and promises, looking for what I’m called to do with my time and talents. I may be waiting, but I know it won’t be idle time.